They say time heals all pain, but I guess 12 years just isn’t even enough for me to even smile about it.

It really hurts when someone who is suppose to care for you & love you unconditionally decides that they don’t want anything to do with you anymore and leaves you and your family without much thought & consideration.

The feeling is still just too raw. I rarely talk about it with anyone, and when I do, I’m always close to tears.

I’ve had people ask me if I’ve asked my dad to be at the wedding. I tell them that I’ve told my brother to tell him (since he has more contact with him anyway) and usually they would just back off.

Then there are the usual persistent family members who go all,
” aww… But he’s your dad. You should tell him personally… Bla bla,”

Seriously?! I’m only even asking him out of courtesy. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a father. He may have been someone who gave me life, but I don’t ever remember him being “fatherly” or in fact, present in my life much. I was raised by my mom to be the person I am today, no thanks to him.

So you go around saying stuff like, “but he’s your dad, you should keep in touch with him,” but I don’t see you making an effort into doing the same. So just drop it. Why should I waste my energy on someone who doesn’t want or care to be in my life?

Just thinking about this makes me so angry and sick to my stomach (from all the pent up emotions). If I hadn’t have gotten out when I was younger, I think I would have turned out a lot more dysfunctional.

I wish some people would just stop bringing this up. I will share when I’m ready to share. I think pretty soon I would have to go to therapy just to unload all of these emotional baggage. D:

I will make time to travel.

I will learn to be more independant.

 I will stop and smell the roses sometimes.

I will try to not stress about the small stuff.

I’ve completely my beginner 1 lesson in Japanese and in the midst of starting beginner 2. So far so good, I hope. Am trying my best to remember the stuff I learned and hope I will be able to apply it in my daily life.

Class is extra fun cos everyone’s getting pretty close to each other and we’re more relaxed. Not to mention our first class trip was to an onsen in sungkai, perak. I was skeptical at first, but turns out, it was pretty fun.

We’re planning more trips, mostly it’s for our teacher’s benefit.

Ahhh… The year is ending and I haven’t done much in terms of preparation for my wedding. There’s still so much to do.

I guess being alone allows me some time to think about everything that’s going on in my life right now. I’m not saying that I’m not happy. I am – just, sometimes I feel there’s got to be more than this. I always feel as though I’m stuck in a hole that I can’t get out of, or a hurdle that I can’t overcome.

I still don’t know what to do with my life, and I’m envious of those who’ve already got everything mapped out. I’m in a rut. I want to move forward, but I can’t help but look back every time. Maybe I should do some soul searching.

Perhaps go somewhere to get away and clear my head? Ahh~ *rolls away and hides under the covers*

Anyway, I’m saying this because I got to Skype with my cousins who are far away in Japan. Plus, I got to make my mom happy cos she got to see them too. She used to look after them when they were little, and now they’re all such big kids.

I was talking to them about my upcoming nuptials. I’m so excited to have them come back for it seeing the last time I saw them was almost 4 years ago. I think I last saw my aunt about 10 years ago? =.=” Can’t wait to plan for my honeymoon too. XD Although it wouldn’t be immediately after the wedding, it will happen. We’re hoping sometime in 2013. Danny and I would probably make a trip to see my cousins in Gifu.

I can’t wait to take up some Japanese lessons too. I kinda forgot everything I learnt when I was younger. :S Anyone’s got any recommendations as to where I should get lesson from? I’ve got one place in mind, but am not sure if it’s any good.

Final assessment is out of the way. Now to wait for graduation. :O It’s really hard to believe that 3 years just went by so quickly. It’s even harder to believe that I’m GRADUATING! It really seems surreal, and although I said that I wasn’t gonna be sad… I have to admit that with the feeling finally setting in, I AM gonna miss some of the stuff…and the friends I’ve made.

Now I have to focus on making my final collection for the fashion show in December (plus work on some other adhoc works) and also start a new chapter in life. I’ve already got a job offer and I start on Monday, part-timing for the moment. Sometimes I feel like I’m not ready to let go of college life, but it has to end sometime. :S

Drat.

Feeling a little melancholic now.

The proposal wasn’t really super romantic, but I guess it was romantic enough for me. It started after our anniversary dinner, when we got home. He had asked me what could’ve made the day even more special. I told him the day was special enough. He humored me by taking me to Aquaria to see the fishes. We walked around Pavilion, and we had a yummy anniversary dinner. But in my head, I was wishing for a proposal. I mean, after 8 years, wouldn’t you too? I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, but I do know that he didn’t seem like he was ready, so I let the subject go.

So when he asked me to close my eyes and turned off the light, I got a tad scared. He then asked me to open my eyes and there it was, the words I never thought he would say (so soon!) written on FB.

” Will you marry me?”

I was stunned. I wasn’t jumping up and down screaming YES!! But I did hug him and peeped a barely audible yes. XD It was incredibly surreal. Even after waking up the next day, I felt like it was a dream. It wasn’t until I saw the ring again that I truly thought, “wow! It really happened.” I have no words to describe the feeling. It is incredibly weird on one hand, yet normal on the other.

Danny says the ring is just to “officiate” everything. I mean, almost everyone I know thinks of us as a married couple already. So yes, a lot of planning in the near future. It’s also a scary feeling, not knowing what to expect. We’ve yet to settle on a date as we’re looking at a good date according to the Chinese calendar.

I’d definitely want to bring more girls home. They’re so fun to sew for. Gah, she’s so cute! *pinch*

Had my birthday dinner at Munakata Japanese restaurant which is located at jalan sultan Ismail ( where kl live center is) and I must say, the food is pretty good. Their menu is both ala carte as well as buffet so we had our fill. Only rant is that they forgot to put my ice cream cake in their freezer, so it melted.

Surrounded myself with my usual gang of friends ( plus brother & mom) and had a laugh cos everyone in attendance was required to wear the kitteh hat & gloves which I brought along.

Me thinks the kitty paws has magical powahs! The Bf seemed to enjoy donning them had was doing random cat poses in them. XD Another person enchanted by them paws was tootie. XD

So another year older and I still don’t know what i wanna do with my life. Currently everything is just feeling so mundane. Maybe after I graduate, I wanna just take a break before going to work. I’m feeling a little afraid of what the future holds. Funny, right?

Ive got so much in my head right now and I dont know what to write down. Don’t know why I’ve been feeling sad most times now even when I have absolutely no reason to be. :s I don’t know why am I experiencing this emotional rollercoaster again. :/